Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
