got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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