Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
