The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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