Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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