My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
