another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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