Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
