I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
