Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
