I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i dont even know how to be here
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
