Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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