Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
