I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
