one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
