I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
