Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
