guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I love you.
Bad choice
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
