I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
