I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
