i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
