my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
