Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
