Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
