Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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