New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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