Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
