Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
