Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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