My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
