I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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