DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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