Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
