My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
