Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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