there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
