Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
