fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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