Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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