3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
