They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
