Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
