Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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