i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
