wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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