I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
