Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
