remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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