Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
