Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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