Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
